I am a woman-a story

Okay, let me tell you how this goes:

You’ll say “hi” and I will say “hello” and then you’ll make some smooth remark and I’ll pretend it’s one I’ve never heard before and I will be more than happy to pretend I am so lucky, that out of all these girls out here, you chose me to sell your cheap lines, and your even cheeper feelings to.

Okay, then we move on:

We start a conversation where you pretend you actually care and I pretend you’re actually listening to my silly stories, and I will myself to believe that you understand all the subtle allusions I make to my need for intimacy and attention.But you don’t really hear that, or you refuse to hear it, I’m not really sure…

Okay, now we’re getting to the fun bit…

…when you seem to ask more from me than what I’m willing to give, and not just to a stranger on a first date, but even to a guy that has proven time and time again that he is trustworthy; because I have some trust issues, you see? because all the men I’ve met so far were just like you, sitting in a bar, asking too much of girls like me that were too willing to confuse lust with intimacy.

Okay, I say, and I say it anyways, even if it’s not really okay for you to touch, even if it’s not really okay for me to think this is a caress and not a grope, even if it’s not okay for me to mistake your lust with love.

Even though your love does come later, in some sort of way, half-heartedly and manipulative and maybe even the slightest bit aggressive, but it still looks okay to me because I have enough issues to believe that any type of love is a good one as long as it’s mine.

But it’s not….okay…none of this is!

It’s not okay for me to think I deserve the lack of love I got that left me wanting and left me scared and left me feeling like I’m not good enough.

And it’s not okay for you to think that it’s okay to treat me like that because I’m asking for it; because I’m not. Somebody’s need is not their invitation to be taken advantage of.

And yet, I know it’s not okay for me to think that this is all your fault, because if I’m honest with myself, I know it’s not. Because the fact that I’ve been hurt is really not your fault, or mine, or really anybody’s.

And it’s not okay for me to blame when I can love…even when I need to distance myself, I can love…even when I need to say no, I can love.

But, it’s okay…it’d okay for me to love and move on. It’s okay for me to let you be and not hold you captive within the confines of blame, when really, we were both to blame. Because yes, you shouldn’t have done that or said those things, but I shouldn’t have let you, and to begin with, your mother and father should have never allowed you to believe that treating a woman, that treating any other human being like this was okay. But they didn’t, did they?

So, it’s okay, I understand that. And even though the fact that I understand helps me to forgive, it doesn’t mean that understanding and justification are the same thing, because forgiveness doesn’t excuse the behaviour, but it tries to stop that behaviour from ever happening again.

Essentially, eventually, forgiveness make it all okay. Not pointing the finger of blame, but lifting the burden of shame and undoing the shackles of pain, forgiveness makes it all okay, not because it has erased it, but because it has changed it.

And, someday, change leads us to something better than just “okay”.